Coping with grief over the festive season
By Kate Ashley
‘Tis the season to be jolly.’’, Well not for everyone.
(English words to ‘Deck the Halls’ by Thomas Oliphant in 1862 to an older Welsh carol).
The summer holiday season is a time many of us eagerly look forward to, even with the common holiday stressors we might also experience. For some people and families the festive season and school holidays can be frantic and challenging, or a very lonely and isolating time. For others, a joy, and time of rejuvenation for the new year. For most of us it is a combination of both.
If you have had a recent loss this year of a loved one, or if you have experienced a previous significant grief or trauma around this time, the Christmas and New Year period can present many extra difficulties. This includes just not coping with the usual annual stressors and demands of the festive season, but also not coping with the many triggers, thoughts, and feelings in relation to our loved ones who have passed away, and the dramatic changes in our lives since then.
And so, they live on inside your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up.
Grief is cyclical in nature according to Saltzman, (2019). and often felt strongly at anniversaries that are significant to the grieving individual or family. These are times when grieving people may experience stronger emotions, or be more easily triggered. They can also be stepping stones to healing for the bereaved, to explore new ways to cope with the pain of their grief and create new meanings for themselves and their lives (Ng, 2021).
It is very normal if you are grieving over the holidays to feel all sorts of emotions: Sad, angry, lost, easily frustrated and irritable, depressed, a sense of yearning, guilty at perhaps enjoying your self, or surviving when they didn’t, anxious and simply numb. You might even be more susceptible to headaches, cravings and other symptoms.
Things that exist at the same time: Sadness and Joy, Grief and Hope, Hurt and Love.
How a person experiences their grief and copes with it, is very individual (Daniel, 2023). Grief is not something we get over. However, it is something we live through and find new ways to adapt (Saltzman, 2019), and to reconstruct our lives and selves (Ng, 2021). Grief creates both great challenges and opportunities for the bereaved.
Coping with grief and loss (Daniel, 2023) does not usually require counselling, although some support and understanding is essential from friends and family. Sometimes however, we can get stuck for a long time in the intensity of our emotions and grief. We may have also had some trauma related to our loss, and be struggling to function with life’s demands and these changes. This is when it might be helpful to seek some counselling and further support.
A few suggestions
Be patient and kind with yourself and others who may be grieving at this time..
Journal or draw your feelings.
Practice mindfulness.
Talk to an understanding friend or family member.
Have a good book, or talking book, TV show or game you can divert yourself with when you need some space.
Write your loved one a letter or Christmas card, if you celebrate Christmas)
Visit your loved one’s grave, or a special place if appropriate for you.
Create a small personal or family ritual to remember your loved one. It might be a short poem you read every year, or having one of their favourite Christmas dishes on the table.
Set or decorate an empty chair at the table for your loved one.
Allow yourself, to take some time out from family interactions if you need. This might be a room, or spot in the garden during the festivities to gather yourself before returning to the party.
Remember it is OK to say ‘NO’ to invitations if it feels too stressful to participate. You can join in another year.
Consider volunteering or donating to a charity over the holiday period. Sometimes giving to others who are also hurting can help us too.
Limit or avoid alcohol and ONLY use your prescription medication as prescribed.
Keep up your exercise or go for a short walk each day.
Make healthy holiday food choices where you can and don’t stress if you can’t
Take a day off for you to do whatever you want, during this time, even if it’s nothing.
Tips for Wellbeing: Setting boundaries, connecting with nature, getting enough rest, cultivating creativity, staying active, connecting with others, practicing self reflection, finding your purpose.
Grief support
Contact your counsellor for an appointment, or if you are having an emergency, ring 000. or
Albury Wodonga Mental Health Triage Line - 1300 104 211
Murrumbidgee Accessline - 1800 800 944
Lifeline - 131114 - https://www.lifeline.org.au/
Beyond Blue - 1300 224 636 - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
Griefline - 1300 845 745 - https://griefline.org.au/get-help/
Reachout. for youth and young people. - https://au.reachout.com/
Kids Helpline (ages 5-25) - 1800 55 1800
13 YARN (First Nations People) - 13 92 76
Reference List:
Beyond Blue. (2022). Grief, loss and mental health. Beyond Blue Ltd.
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/grief-and-loss
Daniel, T. (2023). Adding a new dimension to grief counseling: Creative personal ritual as a therapeutic tool for loss, trauma and transition. Omega: Journal of Death and Dying, 87(2), 363–376. https://doi.org/10.1177/00302228211019209
Griefline. (2023). Find hope and connection. Griefline Australia.
Lifeline. (2023). Home Page. Lifeline Australia.
Ng, C. (2021). Meaning-oriented narrative reconstruction: navigating the complexities of bereaved families. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, 49(6), 804–813. https://doi.org/10.1080/03069885.2021.1983157
Reach Out. (2022). Managing grief during the festive season. Reach Out Australia.
https://au.reachout.com/articles/managing-grief-during-the-festive-season
Saltzman, L. Y. (2019). It’s about time: Reconceptualizing the role of time in loss and trauma. Psychological Trauma, 11(6), 663–670. https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0000435