What's Your Attachment?
How we as adults interact in our relationships and why we interact the way we do is a very complex topic. There are an enormous number of factors that influence us developmentally, both consciously and unconsciously. These include experiences related to the families that raised us, the society, culture, and time of history we live in, as well as specific factors and traits that relate to us as individuals. The bottom line however, is that no matter what our attachment or relational style is, when we as adults become conscious of certain thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, we then also have new choices to change or further develop these if we want.
Counselling or psychotherapy can often be a great way to help us understand ourselves better and gain skills to help us improve how we relate to ourselves, others, and the world around us. It is also possible to assist our growing self-awareness and development as adults through a wide array of self-directed methods including but not limited to: attending workshops and learning from others, learning new skills, reading broadly and more deeply, practicing mindfulness, practicing compassion to ourselves and others, and creating and reflecting on the meaning our art or other creations have for us. Making small positive changes to our habits and behaviours, and reflecting on the process and experience as we continue to grow throughout our lives, to name just a few options.
Another useful way to help us understand ourselves and why we interact with those close to us in the way we do is to look at our attachment styles. John Bowlby (1907-1990) and Mary Ainsworth (1913-1999) explored attachment with caregivers to children (Sigelman et al., 2016). They found that depending on how the child was parented and their early experiences, especially 0-3 years the child would likely develop a secure style, an anxious avoidant style, an anxious ambivalent style, or a disorganized style of relating to their caregivers. It was also found that a child could have different attachment styles with different care givers or significant others, and that as the child grew, although their primary attachment style might be persistent, it could also change.
In recent years, theories around adult attachment and how we relate to our partners, close friends and others have been developed. These styles are also influenced by how we as adults were parented, experienced the world, developed and interacted in different relationships throughout our life span. There is some correlation with childhood attachment styles, but also a focus on the complexities of our adult relationships.
The adult attachment styles are secure, preoccupied, dismissing and fearful or disorganised (Bartholomew et al., 2001). These roughly correlate to:
To discover your style go to:
http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
Remember though that your style is just one way amongst many to inform you about yourself and suggest why you may have certain relationship patterns. Remember also that you can have different attachment styles with different people, as they can with you. You can also learn how to change the way you attach to and interact with others and yourself.
How we attach and relate to others in our lives is not a diagnostic label of our personality or revealing of our whole life history. Humans and human lives are far too complex for that. It is just one useful model for understanding ourselves and our close relationship patterns better. Attachment theory and styles can also can guide us towards learning new ways to improve our lives. Even if you are one of the approximate 50% with a mostly secure style (Bakermans-Kranenburg., & van IJzendoorn. 2009) and healthy relationships with both yourself and others. Awareness of your primary attachment style and counselling can help you to further improve your connection if you choose to explore further ways to heal, grow and develop through your adult journey.
References:
Bakermans-Kranenburg, Marian., & van IJzendoorn, Marinus. (2009). The first 10,000 Adult Attachment Interviews: Distributions of adult attachment representations in clinical and non-clinical groups. Attachment & human development. 11(3), 223-263. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616730902814762
Bartholomew, K., Henderson, A., & Dutton, D. (2001). Insecure attachment and partner abuse. In C. Clulow (Ed.), Adult attachment and couple psychotherapy (p. 46). London, England: Brunner-Routledge.
Siegel, D. J. (2010). Making sense of our lives: Attachment and the storytelling brain. In Mindsight: Change your brain and your life (pp. 166‑189). New York, NY: Bantam Books.
Sigelman, C. K., Rider, E. A., & De George-Walker, L. (2016). Life-span human development (2nd ed.). Melbourne, Australia: Cengage Learning Australia.
